I removed our conversations, deleted your pics and bundled them away to a place where I don’t go everyday.
Cos I wanted to give myself time.
Cos I wanted to exorcise you outta my system.
Cos I wanted to be over you.
So I did give it some time, a few weeks actually.
Now that you don’t have a dp on your WA and I don’t open it a 100 times a day
I miss seeing you.
Since you haven’t sent any pic my way,
I decided to visit the folder where I tucked you away.

F drive
Where I have you among my dozen other friends.

I scour the thumbnails and spot your pic in the third row, second to the right
I open it. It is a picture from 6 years ago. When you were just another friend that I used to ping
I look at you smiling. I don’t feel a thing.
I smile and move on to another pic.

Pics you sent me from a different time zone.
When you and I no longer fit into any territory.
A period where beyond any ideas of wrong doing or right doing
We existed. Just you and me.

I see a pic of you in the car
just below your Adams apple, chest hair peeping over the top of your tee
For some inexplicable reason it makes my heart pound.
Reminds me of running my hands across your flat chest
Amazonia – I whisper.
Isn’t that what I called my favourite part of you

I move on to another pic of you, standing in an open field, squinting at the sun.
I remember how I call you kutti kannu.
Reminds me of our nights
Kutti kannu indeed. But eyes that reflect your soul.
Love, Lust, Tease, Adoration, Coldness, I have seen it all, in those eyes.

I see another pic of you, smiling.
My favorite smile.. the kind which made my heart melt.
Reminds me of the first time I held you by your cheeks.
Gave you a kiss, one on each side tracing your smile.
and told you I wish I could freeze your smile

I see a pic of you in your work tee
Reminds me of the first time I bared it all
With nothing except your black tee to cover my modesty

I see some screen shots that I saved
Of promises made , of love untold.

I now find it difficult to breathe.
I close the window and avert my eyes
I wipe away the tears that threaten to fall down my chin

Oh boy, I have been so strong
Every time an image flashes by my mind
Every time I want to say something to you
Every time I want to feel your strong hands on me
Every fucking time.. I have held myself back.
I don’t have the strength no more.

You are my glass of Long Island Ice Tea
Tall, Dark, Mysterious and incredibly sexy
But I can’t get drunk on you anymore
Cos whether I care to admit it or not, I am a recovering alcoholic
You are my dream but you shall also be the death of me.


Winning eitherways

She stood there gazing out of the window, as she scrubbed the dishes from the previous night. There it was, his plate stealthily placed under hers as if she wouldn’t notice.  If he wants to be aloof, why can’t he wash his own plate, she grumbled.

A line of ants making way to the grapes she had soaked caught her eye. Each ant went and knocked its head against the one coming in the opposite direction. What do these ants do when they have a fight she wondered.. maybe knock the other ant extra hard on the head?! She bemused.

Suddenly she felt his arms wrap around her waist. She stiffened.

“Anu….” He murmured into her ears.

“Mm?” She replied

“Turn here.. look at me.. It’s no fun fighting with you darling” he said. She felt his hot breath on the nape of her neck.

“Fight? What fight? I’m not fighting”..she managed to say it before her voice croaked.

“I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt you …” he pleaded into her ears. “Look at me now”

Anu turned. Her eyes were moist

He stood there, so close ….smiling at her. She looked at him quizzically.

“Do you know what I want to do, right now?” he asked.

“Well, how would I ? Apparently, these days I don’t understand your mind space, your work pressure, things going on with you.. everything.. right? I am just being clingy and and emotionally demanding. Isn’t that what you told me yesterday, Varun?” Anu challenged. She felt a tear roll down her eye. Bloody hell. Stupid fucking tears, she thought. Why do you always betray me.

“Have you lost weight, dear?”  Varun asks winking at her


“Yeah, I think you have. Earlier when I grab your hips I can feel some flesh. See ..right here..” He rubs the spot

Anu feels herself giving into his touch. He noticed she had lost weight. She is pleased and it immediately shows on her face.

“You are grinning, you know”, Varun remarks

“No. I am not. Now, leave me will you? I have got dirty paathrams to wash before we go”

“Dirty pathrams can wait. Cos, I have other plans. Let’s get dirty”  his hands slide down her back.

“Ayyee. You wish” retorts Anu, struggles out of his grip and turns her back to focus on the dishes. Oh no… Anu… Don’t give in.. she says to herself knowing she will lose this round.

“Yes. It is my wish. Come here”.. He grabs her hard and pushes her against the wall. He pins her hands with his and his mouth finds her sweet spot in the neck. He gives a quick nibble and look back up at her in the eyes, smirking

“Ohh.. Anu.. I missed you baby” murmurs Varun kissing her softly.

Has she lost this round? Well, not really!

About us

Ping! Anu lifted her phone to check. It was a WA msg from Varun- There is a woman in a saree, very slim, probably 28 waist, seems to be married, having a meal with a man weighing twice her size. But I see a lot of expressions in her face that says they are not married to each other.She is wearing a mookuthi with a shimmering stone :-

Anu touches her mookuthi. Who is he talking about she wonders.. Of course not about her, sheis in office and he is best described lanky. She guesses he is outside somewhere.. and pings him back – What expressions do you see, that make you guess they are not married? Does she look at him with adoring eyes?

Varun responds – Her eyes are planted on him, slightly slant all the time, lips are smiling and happy… She touches her hair often sometimes resting her slant head in her palm. Her eyes are not wavering one bit, I can’t honestly think of any wife gazing this way at her husband. Eventhe most loving couple will act casual and feel relaxed, I can sense her subdued excitement.

Anu can’t help laughing out loud – Yes, you got that right mister.

Varun continues – The man has now moved out of his seat to wash his hands. He returned, said something in her ears and moved to pay the bill at the cash counter. The woman broke her gaze and paid a brief look at me and checked her surroundings. Then she let herself up, went for a hand wash, checked herself in the mirror for a couple of seconds and walked away 🙂

Anu – Wow I never knew you observe people so well. It is fascinating

Varun – Something about them reminded me of us.

Anu – Yes, I know. Like how I never wanted to close my eyes when you fell sleep? Like how I can’t tear my eyes off you when I am seated across you in a coffee shop? Like how I don’t want to miss a single thing about you. As cheesy as it sounds, I know.… maybe they are like us! But what is with the waist size mister? Did you think I would just let it slip by? I really don’t appreciate observational skills of this range

Varun – Hahah I just made an educated guess. I wasn’t checking her out. Mandoos!

Anu – Good.

Morally true but practically?

I have seen posters that scream’Don’t waste food. Children are dying of hunger’ , ‘Throwing away food is like stealing it from the poor’. I feel this is such a lame concept.  Or maybe I don’t get the connection?

I simply cannot understand how me eating one more dosa instead of throwing it away is going to save children who are dying from hunger.

The idea that one should not waste food may sometimes force you to eat whatever is there whether your body wants it or not. What good can it do? I have seen my mom doing it. She would have leftovers in the fridge and while everyone is eating fresh food cooked by her she would be happy to eat reheated old food. I feel that is not at all needed. When I used to cook, I remember, I would never have the heart to throw anything and I was beginning to do that too. Storing up small quantities of rasam or chutney or eating two more mouths of Semia upma cos I made it… I was treating my body like a wastebin. I had to consciously make a change.

There are occasions when you don’t have control for example, in a restaurant you may end up ordering more food or you may not like what you have ordered, then I understand that you get the extra food packed and give it away. But it is not possible to do it every day, at home..

I feel that if you want to help the hungry, buy them a meal/fruit.


P.S: I live in an ashram, eat two meals a day.  I eat everything that is served on my plate.

Mi phone

So after 1.5 years of buying my phone, a few weeks back, I decided to explore features other than the beauty app. As I was fiddling, I got reminded of the times when I used to have special ringtones for all my favorite people. Now.. not even the dude gets a different ring tone. Sigh..where is the romance in life.. I thought to myself and decided that I would keep a nice song. I got a lovely piece of bgm from Aayudha Ezhuthu movie, the Michael Radhika portion (hey, one can imagine :p) and set it.See, the matter of the point is to SHOW the dude the extra efforts made no?
When I remembered, we were in the car somewhere near Ukkadam signal. I got super excited and told him to call me. Poor boy must have thought I became mental cos he gave me a weird look. So I grabbed his phone and dialled…
Me: can you hear, can you hear?
He : Enna?
Me : Listen care fully no…
He : can’t hear anything achu in this traffic.what is it?
Me : I kept a spl ring tone for you… Wait pannu.. Can you guess what song
He : No. Cant hear.
*mind voice* idhukku dhaa over imagination koodadhu
Me : So, are you going to keep a spl tone for me too?
He : Many times I don’t hear the phone ringing. Especially if im on the bike. I was actually thinking of changing my ring tone.. to the  the old, loud TRRINGG TRRIINGG
Me : I am sorry I asked. Please go back to your G.O.T ring tone 😁😁
P. S : ohh btw my phone speaker got damaged a couple of days back. All I can hear now is a GGRGRRGGGRRRrrrrrrrr in earsplitting volume. So much for Romance 😉

My tryst with chapatis

I hated chapatis as a kid. Hate is a mild word. Since I was not allowed to make a fuss/waste food /skip breakfast, I came up with a great plan.
I would wait for my mom to leave me with my plate of food. The minute I knew she was gone to finish her other chores, I would quickly go outside and throw away nearly 3/4th of the contents of the plate. My unsuspecting mom had no clue what was happening.
So one day, this happened. My friend Srivani and I used to take the bus together to school. She would park her 2-wheeler at my place and then we would go. That morning she was there looking visibly upset. Her school bag had given away and she didn’t know what to do. How to carry books?
Suddenly my mom says “Achu has an extra bag .. wait I will fetch it for you. Before I could realize what was happening, my Mom walked into my room, opened my wardrobe and took out my bag.
She opened it and some white powdered stuff started falling out of the bag …..Powdered chapattis!!!
I watched everything blur around me.
You see, on those days where my mom was hovering near me and I didn’t find the perfect opportunity to fling chapatis into the next compound, I would stash it in this bag. In the evening, I would anyways be home before my mom and I’d manage to throw it away. Somehow I had forgotten about the chapattis lying in this bag and ants had gotten to it.
I got heavy scoldings in front of my friend. My mom couldn’t believe the extent of my soora-thanam (grossness??). After severe grilling and honest confessions, she went on to discover more chapatis in the loft also.
From then on, on the days she made chapatis for breakfast, I got dosas 🙂

Don’t angry me – 2

The dude for gets to do something and I am put in an awkward situation. Since he is away, I vent my feeling in a strongly worded SMS.   He calls me 2 hours later

He:  hey, so what happened? I saw ‘some’ msg

Me: Didn’t you read the message?  Don’t you understand tamil?

He: Ya, that’s what.  What happened?

Me: Nothing. I somehow managed the situation

He: Oh ok good.

Me: Cant you alteast say you are sorry?

He: Sorry

Me: You know you also forgot one more thing today

He: I gotta go. I am still in the meeting